Say It This Way by Michele Weiner-Davis edited for space
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Do you ever find yourself in the midst of heated conversation when, all of a sudden, your partner says something that just takes your breath away? S/he might as well stop talking at that point.  All you hear is that little voice inside your head bellowing, "I can't believe he just said that," "She is such a jerk." You lick your wounds and prepare your retort.
     Then you realize, "It's not what he's saying, it's how he's saying it," or "If she would just word it differently, I might be able to respond less defensively." So, in your effort to resurrect the conversation, you say, "Why can't you just say it this way?" and you reword the statement in a way that feels less toxic. And just when you think you should receive the Nobel Peace prize for your obvious communication acumen, your spouse replies, "Why do you always try to tell me what to say and how to say it?"
     I have worked with several couples whose patterns of communication closely resemble the example above. In trying to get his wife to use what therapists refer to as "I-messages," one man said, "I wish you would stop saying that I'm controlling when I ask you to spend less time on the phone at night. Instead, why can't you say, ‘When you tell me to get off the phone at night, I feel controlled by you.' I could handle that. But when you tell me that I try to control you and everything you do, I get really angry. I don't try to control you even if you think I do." "Well put," but apparently his wife thought otherwise. In fact, she took his suggestion as further evidence that he was manipulating.
    Language is an extremely powerful tool. The words we choose can mean the difference between loving, constructive conversations which result in real intimacy, or verbal competitions ending in misunderstanding, emotional distance, and even divorce. With that in mind, the next time you hear, "Why can't you say it this way," your spouse is really saying, "Please be gentle. Say what you need to say in a way that I can hear you and not become defensive." Then, honor the request. Back up a step or two and try again- even if you think your spouse is over-reacting. Do it as an experiment. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.

2009 Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. Reprinted with permission of Michele Weiner-Davis. Subscribe to the FREE "Divorce Busting" newsletter at www.divorcebusting.com, the place where marriages become stronger and more committed.